Stephen Harvey
The
It all started on a bitter winter’s night a few years ago. A storm was blowing up outside, and it looked like it would soon be a blizzard, with snow and sleet intermittently falling. James was just about to retire for the night, when he passed his laptop.
“I think I’ll just check my e-mail,” he thought to himself, and booted up the computer. He shivered with the cold, before logging on to his e-mail inbox.
“You have 0 messages,” it said.
“Perfect,” thought James, feeling a hint of loneliness. “Not one message. Will anyone ever bother to write to me?”
Just at that moment, James got an instant message from his “Chatter” messaging software. It was from a stranger.
“Hello, what’s happening?” it innocently asked. He had forgotten he had that software connected.
He decided to reply. “I’m fine thanks, you?” he wrote.
He checked the person’s details. The message appeared to be coming from a 16-year-old girl called Kirsty.
“I’m from
“I am from
“In
“Yes,” Kirsty replied. “I was born here.”
‘She was born there’, James thought to himself. Born on a beautiful tropical island.
“It must be warm over there now!” asked James. “It’s starting to snow over here.”
“Oh, wow!” said Kirsty, and James could almost hear the excitement in her voice.
“I have never seen snow.”
James and Kirsty continued ‘talking’ for almost an hour. The conversation started out as general chit-chat, then soon became more personal.
“You know what,” Kirsty finally said. “You seem like a really nice person.”
James felt a tender warm feeling flow through him. No one had ever told him that before.
“Thank you very much,” he typed. “You’re a really lovely girl.”
At that point, Kirsty wrote,
“Hey, James, I’ll talk to you tomorrow? See you later, sweetie.”
The next day, after a restless night, James felt that something had changed. His surroundings suddenly seemed different, almost as if they were glowing. Even the music he listened to in his bedroom sounded different somehow, as if the acoustics around him had changed; yet he could have sworn that his room was the same old room as before. He had to constantly pinch himself to check that he wasn’t dreaming.
James was a lonely 18-year-old with a near-genius IQ, yet despite his age and intelligence, he had never dated a girl; in fact, he had never even had a close friendship with a girl, having had little opportunity for that at the boys-only school of his teens. He had always had few friends, and had been content in the past to keep himself to himself; yet recently, he had become increasingly dissatisfied with his lack of company.
James lived at home with his parents, and worked for a computer software company, a job he had loved because he didn’t have to deal with people too much. He just sat at his computer and hammered the keys, absorbing himself in the number crunching.
Yet, that day, for once, James’s mind was not on his work.
That evening,
James booted up his computer. It was only
“I knew you’d be here early,” Kirsty said.
‘Can this girl read my mind?’ James thought. ‘We must be close.’
“I had a dream last night,” James typed on the screen, and then pressed ‘send’.
“Was it a happy dream?” asked Kirsty.
James paused for a moment to recall his dream, and then wrote:
“I dreamt I was walking along a pink sand beach with you under the sun, and we were walking hand in hand.”
After he had
pressed the ‘send’ button on his computer in
James then suddenly remembered the promise his father had made to him the previous year: “If you pass your exams, I’ll take you anywhere in the world next summer.” James had passed his exams, but up till now, he had no idea where he wanted to go.
“Dreams can come true,” he suddenly thought to himself, the words ringing in his head. He then thought about it.
He really could
go to
After a long conversation, in which James and Kirsty grew more and more close, James finally told her what he had been thinking.
“You know what,” he said. “I’d love to meet you some day.”
“Let me tell you something,” she replied. “I really want to meet you too.”
James then told her about the conversation he had had with his father, and the actual possibility of him coming to visit that summer.
For the next six months, Kirsty and James became inseparable. They would ‘talk’ or write to each other most nights, and drew closer and closer.
Although Kirsty was initially enthusiastic about the idea of meeting James, after a while, she began to have doubts.
“What if I’m not worth it?” she once asked James.
“Why don’t you think you’re worth it?” he asked.
“Because I’m not that good-looking,” she said. “I think I’m an ugly girl.”
“No matter what you look like,” he replied, “I’m sure you more than make up for it with your lovely personality, which is very sweet. And you’ll always be my beautiful supermodel.”
“Thank you, that is the loveliest thing anyone has ever said to me,” Kirsty replied.
“It’s my pleasure,” he said.
The two of them made the agreement that, if it is still going by the summer, he will come and visit her.
The summer soon rushed round. Tenacity was not one of James’s weaker qualities; he had never let go of the dream he had. The vision of himself strolling hand in hand with her over the beautiful coral beach. It wasn’t just a dream – it was his reality.
Kirsty finally received an e-mail from James.
“I’m coming to
“Flights and accommodation
are booked, I’ll be staying in the Hotel Tropicale.”
Kirsty screamed with excitement. It was really happening. She was really going to meet him. She had been enthusiastic about the idea, but couldn’t quite believe that it would really happen. Now it was real.
On that day, James
got on the flight to
After a sleepless
night, heavy with jet lag, he went down to the lobby, where he had arranged to
meet Kirsty for
It was 10.20. James suddenly felt very anxious, and took several deep breaths to calm himself. He waited for half an hour. There was no sign of her. Some foreign guests entered, who looked like Japanese tourists. They then dispersed.
James then noticed a young girl’s head peering shyly round a pillar. She looked away as he made eye contact with her. James anxiously decided to approach her. He smiled at her, and she looked at him, blushing slightly. They immediately recognised each other from the photos they had sent each other.
“It’s lovely to meet you,” James finally said. Kirsty smiled, and said the same thing.
The two of them eventually started talking. They had promised each other a hug for when they met, but they were both too nervous at the moment.
For the first day, Kirsty and James only talked casually. They had arranged to go out with some of Kirsty’s friends for some sightseeing. Kirsty’s older friend Joanna was taking them in her car.
Joanna arrived at
“So,” asked James. “Do you remember the time when we first met on Chatter?”
“Yep,” said Kirsty. “And the first thing I said was, ‘Hello, what’s happening?’”
The rest of the day went quite slowly, and James arrived back at his hotel in the evening, feeling quite tired after the tropical heat of the day. The air had appeared very close to James, unlike anything he had ever felt before, and gave an almost ominous mood to his trip. James had tried hard to shake off this mood whilst out with Kirsty, but now he was on his own, he felt this peculiar tension returning to his stomach. James ordered a drink before going to bed, exhausted but restless as ever.
The following day,
Kirsty had agreed to arrive at the hotel for
Kirsty soon arrived in the lobby, and the two of them went off to the changing rooms to put on their bathing suits.
“Do you remember that time we had an argument?” Kirsty asked James as they were getting into the hotel pool. “You know, the one in April. Can you remember what you said to me afterwards?”
“Sorry, nope,” said James. He then splashed her right in the face.
Kirsty gasped for breath. “How dare you splash me!” she screamed, and splashed him back. The two of them ended up having a massive water fight.
“Okay, okay, that’s enough,” said the pool attendant after a while, in an unrecognisable accent. “You can’t splash in here.”
The two of them sheepishly left the pool area and headed for the sea. It was a stunning blue sea, with pink coral sand. The sea was a little rough, but the two of them got in it.
“Try and find the warm currents,” said Kirsty. The two of them moved around each other, looking for the warmer points. A large wave came, and Kirsty ended up on top of James.
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry!” she screamed, blushing slightly. James smiled at her.
“I think I can remember what I said now,” he said.
“What?” she asked, moving closer to him.
“I said that... that... that I like you.”
Kirsty smiled, a little nervously as she just noticed her hands clasping James’s. They looked deeply into each other’s eyes.
“I can’t believe it,” she said after a while. “We’re holding hands.”
The two circled round each other in the stunning sea, then held each other tightly.
The two of them got out the sea, walking hand in hand.
“Let’s go for a walk down the beach,” said James. So they did. This was his moment. The beach looked even more perfect in real life than it did in his dream. He felt a rush of electricity inside his head. He felt the scene being burnt into his mind, with almost a mystical intensity.
Finally, Kirsty asked James a question.
“James, why did
you come to
“Because you’re special to me,” he replied, “and I wanted to show you how special you are to me.”
They later got changed, and walked back to the Tropicale. They went upstairs to James’s room. James loaded up his laptop, which he had brought with him, the very same laptop he had been chatting with Kirsty on for the past six months. He had meticulously archived every conversation, every letter, every message which Kirsty and him had ever exchanged prior to his visit, in perfect chronological order. He loaded up this History and they began to read through it, starting from the very beginning.
They were holding hands as they read through it, and as the archived conversation got more intimate, they became more affectionate.
Finally, Kirsty turned to James.
“James,” she said. “I want to give you a kiss. On the mouth.”
James suddenly became nervous. He had kissed her on the cheek before, but never on the lips. He had never kissed a girl like that before.
“Just relax,” she said, as she leaned forward. James closed his eyes.
It felt surprisingly alien, and was not totally pleasant for James. Whilst he was completely inexperienced and naïve in this regard, Kirsty was certainly not. Something Kirsty had told him months earlier suddenly rushed through his head.
“He was twice my age,” he recalled her saying.
“When I was 12 years old, I went out with this man. He was 24.”
This suddenly hit James with a new intensity.
“My mother wasn’t that happy, but I was in love and she was too good a person to stop me.”
As Kirsty was kissing him, all James could think of was her experience at such a young age. He could actually taste her experience; and it didn’t taste terribly sweet or comfortable.
James was shaking uncontrollably as Kirsty looked at him, wiping her saliva off his face.
“Are you okay?” she asked.
“Fine,” he said. The last thing he wanted to do now was to bring up the past.
James soon said “Aloha” to Kirsty, as she left the hotel. Although he was still feeling happy, the ominous feeling he had felt earlier was returning with new intensity.
Kirsty had assured him before that her ex-boyfriend and her “hadn’t done anything they shouldn’t have”, and that she didn’t like it when he tried to kiss and touch her, as she was too young.
“Was Kirsty telling the truth?” he wondered. He had believed her every word, up until now. He tried to shake off his doubts. “I would never lie to her,” he thought. “Why would she want to lie to me?” Chastity and childlike innocence were very important to him. He couldn’t imagine travelling all that way for someone who wasn’t a virgin.
An hour later, still shaking, although a little calmer, James decided to go to bed.
The following day, James met Kirsty and Joanna in Jo’s car outside the hotel. They had decided to visit some of the caves by the north shore. First, however, they would pick up Kirsty’s other friend, Kacy, who was Joanna’s younger sister. As James entered the car, Kirsty smiled at him, and they began talking.
“Lovely day, isn’t it?” asked James. “It’s great to see you again”. Kirsty smiled. Joanna glanced round at them in the back. They headed for Kacy’s house. As soon as Kacy entered the car, on Kirsty’s right, with James on the left, Kirsty began talking to her non-stop, ignoring James completely. He struggled to understand what they were saying, as they had switched to talking rapidly in their local Creole. James suddenly felt alone, and the ominous feeling began to sweep over him again.
The group soon arrived at the caves. They entered the dark tunnel, and began talking very loudly. James, however, was not being included in the conversation. As they approached the end of the tunnel, Kirsty noticed James, and quickly ushered him out of the cave, away from the others.
There, Kirsty suddenly placed her arms round James and kissed him passionately on the lips, groping his rear as she did so. James did not expect this, and he simply froze. He felt a wave of shock and anxiety flow through him. Before he had time to speak, however, Kirsty’s friends were out of the cave, and Kirsty was once again totally absorbed in conversation with them. James felt it was as if he existed for one moment, then simply ceased to exist the next.
The group visited some more caves around the same part of the island, then decided to head for a nearby beach.
At the beach area, the four of them got changed into their bathing suits, then got into the water. At this point, James approached Kirsty, looking her square in the eyes.
“You’re ignoring me,” he said, firmly.
“I’m sorry,” said Kirsty, appearing genuinely concerned.
“Let’s go for a walk down the beach,” she said. They got out of the water, and began to stroll down the shore.
After they had walked some distance, Kirsty looked around to make sure she was well out of her friends’ view. Then, she simply lunged at James, kissing him passionately. She shoved her hand down his shorts. James was screaming inside his head for her to stop; however, he only froze. He felt in his stomach like he wanted to retch. After what had felt like an hour, Kirsty teasingly touched James’ lower lip with her tongue, habitually expecting him to respond. When he didn’t, however, Kirsty herself froze, then quickly pulled away from him.
“Shit! I’m sorry!” she screamed.
James wiped his mouth, then looked at her.
“You’ve done this before, haven’t you?” he finally uttered. “It’s like you thought I was somebody else.” His tone of voice wasn’t very assertive, however, seeming almost apologetic, and Kirsty merely looked off into the distance, as if she was mentally running away from him.
James and Kirsty walked back along the beach, where the rest of them were drying off. They had decided to head for the Tropicale.
The four of them got in the car, which was scorching hot by now in the heat. The heat haze was rising all around them, and James started to feel a little disorientated.
At that moment, he felt Kirsty’s hand slowly creeping up his leg. He jerked away with a shock, which caused Kirsty to pull away from him. He looked at her face. “Okay, not here,” said her expression.
The four of them finally arrived at the hotel. James had hinted along the way that he would prefer to spend time alone with Kirsty, so she had told her friends this. As Kirsty got out with James, she said “Aloha” to Jo and Kacy, who then sped off.
By now, James and Kirsty weren’t really talking. James had an utterly worried, deadly serious expression on his face, whilst Kirsty appeared totally fed up, pissed off even. All James could think of was “What am I doing wrong?”, yet Kirsty’s thoughts were on how immature and childish she felt James was being.
They merely gave each other a passing glance on the way up to James’s hotel room, where James got in the shower.
The luxurious surroundings of the bathroom appeared to melt in front of his eyes. James wiped the tears from his face, but they kept on coming. He tried to keep his sobs as quiet as possible, holding his breath, not wanting Kirsty to hear. He put on the shower, and listened to the splashing sound of the running water. “How much it sounds like the Creole Kirsty was speaking to her friends,” he thought to himself. “The language of my being ignored. The sound of my non-existence.”
When he stepped out of the shower, he saw that Kirsty had written him a note on his lined notepaper. She must have found it in his bedside desk.
“I’m getting in the shower now,” she said, leaving the note. She slammed the door behind her. James began to read the note.
It read:
Dear James,
I’m not mad at
you at all, I’m just really pissed at the situation.
What is wrong
with you?
I hope it
doesn’t have anything to do with my past. I told you to forget that.
I enjoyed
everything we did today, I don’t know what your
problem is.
Maybe it’s
because you’re weird because you never had a girlfriend before. That’s not
normal, you know. I thought you were normal but maybe you’re not. Maybe that’s
the reason you haven’t got any friends, because you are so strange. You think
you’re a normal person but you’re not.
I thought it
was really sweet of you coming all the way over here just for me, it’s a shame
it’s not working out though between us. I don’t know if it will work between us
any more.
Love always,
Kirsty.
James felt a mixture of relief and anxiety as he read the letter. He read it again. And again. He thought about how much he cared about her, then relaxed. “I can beat this,” he whispered out loud to himself.
He turned the letter over, picked up the pen, and began to write his own letter to Kirsty:
Dear Kirsty,
I’m sorry we
have been having so many problems. I just feel like it’s all
my fault.
I really care
about you, but I feel I really have to be honest to you and tell you how I
really feel:
I didn’t enjoy
kissing you. You seemed so experienced that I really don’t know if you’re a
virgin or not. And that is what you’ve been telling me constantly. I have never
lied to you; I don’t believe in lying.
And another
thing: I really don’t believe in having sex before I am married. The thought
absolutely disgusts me, Kirsty. It is actually
against my religious beliefs. And not only that, I don’t believe in deep kissing
or touching before marriage either. You told me you didn’t like it in the past,
yet that is not the way you have been acting! You act like a sexually
experienced girl who has enjoyed everything, and yet you act like an immature
little child.
I’m really
sorry if this upsets you, but I just can’t keep it bottled up any longer.
I love you very
much, and I don’t know what I’d do without you.
Lots of love,
James.
“Kirsty,” James called towards the bathroom door. Kirsty emerged from the door, having already changed. Her eyes were slightly red – had she been crying too? - and it emerged to James that she had been waiting outside the door for a while.
“I wrote you a letter,” he said.
“Hmmf”, she replied, and walked over to the desk, picking up the letter.
After reading it, Kirsty looked James square in the face, and he noticed a flash of anger in her eyes. She somehow seemed less fed up, though, as if she was satisfied in something.
“We’re too different,” she finally said. “We’re too different.”
“No,” said James. “It can work out, surely!” He seemed panicked by now.
“No, I’ve been thinking about this for a long time!” she screamed, the pitch of her voice rising. “You’ve turned me into someone else that I didn’t like, and I never wanted to become! I hate the person you’ve turned me into! It’s like you want me to be so innocent, just for you, just like you, when that is not me!”
“What are you talking about?” gasped James. “You told me that you didn’t like the sort of things you’ve been forcing me to do! I never lied to you once. I came to this island because I cared about you so much.” His voice was breaking with emotion.
“That’s because you turned me into a liar!” she screamed, virtually spitting into his face by now. “I’m fed up with you. You make me feel like I’m a bad person, and I’m not! I’m a really loving person. You make me feel like my mother’s a bad person for letting me make my own mistakes. I was old enough! I was mature enough!”
“But don’t you think we should try and work something out, now that we’ve come this far?” cried James.
“No, I don’t think so,” snapped Kirsty. “It’s too late. That’s why I’m finishing with you right now. I’ve made up my mind!”
“Kirsty, wait!” gasped James.
“No, I’m breaking it off right now!” she said, seeming somewhat pleased with herself. “And I’m going home now.” She got up and began to storm out the door. James followed close behind her.
“Oh, and by the way, I’m not a virgin,” she said, turning to him one last time.
“Me and Pat did everything. He used to fuck me right up the ass, and it felt so good!”
She slammed the door in his face, and then dashed for the stairs. James chased after her, but she screamed so loudly that he had no choice but to leave her.
He wasn’t even sure whether her last statement was true, or whether she had said that just to hurt him; but he had the distinct suspicion that it was true. Either way, it certainly hurt. He felt his heart breaking in two. It felt like all his dreams, everything he was living for, was over now. The last six months of his life had ended in this. An utter dead end.
James stood motionless by the door for over an hour and a half, in a state of utter shock. He felt like his life was truly over. Finally, he noticed his surroundings again and realised where he was. “I have to talk with her again!” he moaned out loud, and began searching for his notebook with her mother’s address in it.
He found the
little orange book, and began frantically flipping through the pages, until he
came to the address. Her mother’s name was Francisca, and they lived at a place
called
James stuffed the notebook into his pocket, grabbed his wallet, then rushed out of his room, down the stairs, through the lobby and out the hotel. “Taxi!” he cried. A taxi was just going past, and it pulled over.
“Take me to
James got out of
the taxi, then ran down
James knocked on the front door. A lady wearing a brightly coloured but stylish blouse and skirt answered; she appeared to be in her early thirties.
“Is Kirsty there?” James stammered. “I need to talk with her.”
She eyed him up and down, still holding the door, and then asked, “Are you James?”
“Yes, that’s me. Where is she?”
“Kirsty does not want to talk to you,” she said, staring forcefully into his eyes. “In fact, she said she doesn’t ever want to see you again. I don’t know what you did to my daughter, but you’ve obviously upset her very badly. Now would you kindly leave.” She shut the door on him.
He stood there on the doorstep in a daze, feeling even worse than he had done at the hotel.
Finally, he mouthed to himself, “It’s over. There’s no going back now.”
As James walked back down the street, he rummaged through his wallet, looking for his folded map of the island. He uncreased the map and looked around its coastline. His attention fell on some cliffs on the northern shore.
Walking further through Kirsty’s home village, he hailed a taxi, and pointed to the cliffs on his map. It was a very long drive, and it was way past sunset before he arrived.
“Are you alright?” asked the taxi driver before James got out. “You haven’t said a word for the whole journey.” The driver was Asian in appearance, and spoke with a slight accent.
“I’m fine,” he said, paying the fare. James got out.
He began walking towards the cliffs in the moonlight, which were a short walking distance away. He could hear the sea crashing against the shore. Some crickets were chirping, and fireflies were mingling with the shining stars above. James didn’t even notice that, however. His mind was not on his surroundings.
James walked to the edge of the cliff, peering over at the rocks and sea below. He stood there one last time, drawing a very deep breath.
“I love you, Kirsty,” he finally mouthed, and threw himself over the
edge. As his body shattered on the rocks below, all that was on his mind was
the image of him walking hand in hand with her on the pink sand
An image he had never let go of until the very end, and one that would remain with him forever.