Everything feels distinctly broken

Everything feels distinctly broken, chaotic, distant, unreal, as if I am floating in a fog.

There is no order or meaning to anything. Everything seems against me, oppressive and unrelenting.

Time is slipping by, like it knows no boundaries anymore. The hole in the hourglass of the sands of time has burst open. Nothing can hold time back anymore. It goes out, faster and faster, ever accelerating, never slowing down, never relenting. Time goes, goes, and goes. It’s a one-way rush, with only one end in sight, getting nearer and near, closer and unbelievable closer with every passing moment.

A second is gone. A minute is gone. A hour is gone, just like that! A day is gone. A week is gone. A month is gone. Six months is gone. A year is gone, just like that! Just like the blink of an eye! There is no meaning to it all, it just goes, goes, goes, faster and faster. Ten years gone. Twenty years gone. Going, going, going…

Everything is meaningless.

Emptiness has taken over everything, sucked the life and soul out of everything I see. I am like an exile from the world – forced to look at it through distant eyes, never really feeling present, never feeling I am really ‘here’. I feel infinitely distant from everything.

Nothing feels real at all. Everything feels false somehow, as if I am not really awake.

I feel cheated. Things weren’t always this way.

Once upon a time, time used to walk. Now it tumbles endlessly down. Once upon a time, everything seemed to make sense. Now all there is, is broken pieces of confusion and chaos. Once upon a time, I could go about my day without a care in the world, work and play without a care in the world, and drop off to sleep without a care in the world. Now, sleep is a rare commodity. The only peace I seem to have is when I dream. And when I dream, it always seems to be about the past.

What is ‘here’? I am not here. I’ve forgotten what it’s like to really feel present.

What is ‘now’? There is no now. Everything is rushing forward so fast, there is no point to watch it from. Every time I try and stop, to sit down and watch, it overwhelms me, and rushes by faster still.

Is there any purpose to it all?

Why does it all rush by so fast?

Why does everything feel so broken, so false, so wrong?

Where have all the years gone?

Why is everything so senseless?

Everything which used to feel so important, is now worth no more than dust.

My dreams of yesterday feel more futile than words can express.